Friday, December 31, 2010

2010

Today is the last day of 2010. How was your year? What did you do?

Did you accomplish all that you wanted this year? What were some of your big achievements?

What is your proudest moment? Think about it.

Now, what were some of the biggest surprises? What did you experience this year that changed your life - forever?

Finally, what are some things that you didn't quite get to? Why?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Privacy and Passwords

You've probably seen the case in Michigan in which a man has been charged with a felony for logging into his wife's personal email account. He wanted to confirm his suspicions of an affair. According to Leon Walker, he and his wife shared a computer in their home. He says his wife kept a list of her passwords next to the computer. Check out the story here from ABC News:

Now Leon did confirm that his wife was having an affair with her first husband, who he alleges used to beat his wife in front of her child. So he shared the emails with the father of his wife's child. wow.

Anyway, I'm not married and currently not in a serious relationship. But I wonder if I would give my spouse/significant other the password to my personal email accounts or my Facebook or Twitter accounts?

Would I want the passwords to his accounts? Would I want to know who is talking to — and about what?

I want to be trusting and I want to be trusted. Trust is earned and I hope that I have good sense to get involved with someone who is trustworthy (my track record is a little shaky).

There was a segment on one of the morning shows yesterday that discussed a recent report on financial infidelity - spending money your spouse doesn't know about. The report noted that while women spent money on clothes, men spent money on DATING WEBSITES ! (what?)

Anyway, I'm digressing.

What do you guys think about marriage and passwords and privacy?
Did Leon have reason to check his wife's email if he thought her child was in danger?
Would you want your spouse/significant other to read your personal emails?
Should your spouse/significant other have access to all your social networking accounts? (facebook, twitter, etc.)
Is it okay to have an email account that your spouse/significant other doesn't know about?
What about personal privacy? Does that exist in a marriage?

Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Leon

“You look like you cold.”

I was waiting for a train when a maintenance man began emptying the trash can next to my bench. Even though I was bundled up pretty good, I must have been shivering.

“You need to put some clothes on.”

I smiled politely.

I guess that was an invitation for him to sit next to me on the bench. He was a beautiful chocolate brown. Heavy set. Maybe in his ‘50s.

“Can you cook?”

Yeah, I finally answered him.

“I can tell.”

If my eyes were bullets they would have killed him.

“What? I was giving you a compliment.”

Calling me overweight is not a compliment, I said, annoyed.

“Hey, I like women your size. You got kids?”

I didn’t answer.

“Every woman I meet got kids. I don’t have any kids. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I work hard. I work every day.”

I didn’t say anything.

He continued. “I mean when I meet a woman I not only take care of her, I take care of her kids. You know you got to take the whole package. I buy them shoes, coats. But they daddy usually come back in the picture because they get jealous that somebody else treating they kids better than them.”

I listened.

“You got a man? Yeah, you do,” he said before I could answer. “Somebody look like you gotta have a man. What yo’ man do?”

I remained silent.

“If I was your man, I would treat you like a queen.”

Finally I spoke up: “Every man says that when they first meet you, but for whatever reason they fall short. It’s a lot of talk.”

That got him riled up.

“My daddy always told me when you find a good woman treat her right. And my daddy taught me a lot of things. I didn’t learn about love out there in the streets. He told me when a woman cheats it’s because she’s trying to prove that she still got it. But it’s like ice cream. It feels good when you’re eating it, but once you’re finished the feeling is all gone.”

By that time my train had come and I got up.

Have a nice day, I said while walking toward one of the open doors.

“Oh, by the way my name is Leon. You never told me what your man does for a living.”

I smiled and waved goodbye as I stepped on board.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

What Do the Lonely Do?

I love the holidays — the parties, the shopping (limited), the music. It's a busy time of year — an opportunity to reconnect with friends and continue family traditions.

But it's also a reminder of my singleness.

When I go home, everybody has somebody except me. My sister has a family. All my step siblings have families. My friends who live in Jackson have families — even if they're not married they have children. My close friends who I grew up with no longer come home because, well, they have families.

When the family gathers on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, everybody's with their significant other (or children) - except me. I have no husband or no kid.

Now, this never use to bother me. I was the career-minded professional who would travel home to Jackson from the big city during holidays. But as I get older, I look like the lonely spinster who can't find a man.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly and look forward to going home (especially since my sister had twins). They seem genuinely happy to see me when I come visit. But my dad, in his indirect way, always finds a way to ask when I'm going to get married.

So, what do the lonely do at Christmas? They smile, eat good food, hand out gifts, visit grandma and get back on a plane to resume their single life.

It reminds me of the holiday song: WHAT DO THE LONELY DO AT CHRISTMAS by the Emotions. Listen to it below:


What are your thoughts?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Where Yo Man?

Earlier today, a contractor stopped by to give me an estimate on replacing my gutter and fixing my roof. After he told me how much it would cost, I told him I would have to get back to him after the holidays. Christmas is next week and I need every little penny.

"Why don't you just get the money from your man?" he asked.

I just stared at him.

"I know you a independent woman and all, but if he was any kind of man he would make sure his woman was taken care of. He would make sure your house is fixed and give you the money to do stuff like this."

I didn't know what to say. He was an older gentleman and I guess a little old school.

I mean this is my home. I bought it and am responsible for the upkeep. Even if I had a boyfriend or "a man", I wouldn't expect him to pay to get stuff fixed - or should I?

Maybe I'm living in a different world.

Last week I rushed out of the house to take my garbage out as the trash removal truck pulled up in my alley. It was freezing cold and I made it just in time. One of the guys asked, "What you doing out here? Why didn't your man take the garbage out?" "Where yo man? He should be out here."

I smiled politely and told them to have a good day.

I don't know. I've been single so long, I'm just used to doing stuff myself. I'm sure if I was in a relationship and my male friend took the garbage out, I wouldn't object -LOL. But I don't know if I would let him pay to get a major repair done in my home.

What do you guys think about this?
If I had a significant male partner, should I expect him to pay for the upkeep of my house? What if he offered to pay for a major repair?
Should I expect him to do things like take out the garbage?

Let me know your thoughts.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Forgive Me Please


I received an email yesterday from a guy I had gone out with more than a year ago. The subject line said: "Never meant to hurt you."

The body of the text simply said:
"I am sorry for any pain or hurt I ever caused you directly. Just thinking about you and felt you deserved that."

wow.

I was extremely surprised to get an email from this person. But I also thought it was very presumptuous of him to believe that he had caused me any pain.

Anyway, I had gone out several times with this young man. On one evening we were suppose to meet at a local lounge. He was very late and when he did show up, it was obvious that he had been drinking. His eyes were red and he was talking very loudly. I mean people were looking at us.

Hurt? No — just embarrassed and disappointed in his behavior.

When we were leaving out the lounge, the security guard told me to make sure he got home safely (jeez..). Well, that irked my date and as he walked me to my car he started going off, "that nigga don't know me. I got folks who will kill for me !"

Well, that did it. I was done! I mean done !

I never talked to him again after that. I didn't return any phone calls or text messages. I de-friended him on Facebook.

So, I was surprised when I received his email yesterday. I didn't respond (and won't) but I had to chuckle: He never hurt me. I was just scared for my life - LOL !!!

However, I was impressed with his note. I think it's very big of a person to say 'I'm sorry,' or to apologize for wrongdoing.

I guess in his own way, he was asking for forgiveness for anything that he might have done to cause me pain. I don't know why he decided to do it now (nearly 2 years later). I guess the holidays make people feel a little guilty for their past transgressions.

Do you need to do a little forgiving?
Is there anyone you would like to apologize to?
Is there anyone that you believe owes you an apology for the pain they may have caused in your life?
Is there something that you absolutely cannot forgive?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by danaphotography.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

When It Rains


Man, when it rains it pours.

I pray every morning that my car will crank. It needs a new battery.

My gutter fell off my house last week during a terrible wind storm. The guy who was suppose to put it back stood me up. Now I have to find someone else to do it.

My tenants are calling with all kinds of problems: the shower head is broken, leaks in the kitchen and bathroom, drawers need to be repaired.

And then I just got a call from my mentee, she was crying because she has no way home for Christmas. (i'm a sucker for Norquesha's tears). She wanted to know if I could help her out and get her a train ticket to D.C.

Well, I wanna go home too to see my family — my father, my nephews, my grandmother.

Christmas is just a few weeks away and I feel overwhelmed. It just seems that everything's coming at me all at once. It's the end of the year and stuff is just breaking down. (isn't this suppose to be a time of good cheer?)

AAAAAAAWWWWWW !!!!! Makes me wanna holla ! AAAAAAWWWWW !!!!!!

But I have to remind myself to put things in perspective. Things could be worse: I could have no home, no transportation and I am thankful for my family when my mentee needs my support.

So, even though I'm complaining, I'll get over it. I just need to find a yoga class this week.


photo by mysza831.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Writer's Block


I can't finish my story for nothing !

I keep getting distracted by reality tv. I'm hooked on Hulu (just finished watching Running Russell Simmons).

Anyway, I need something to help me get my groove back right away.

I'm on deadline !





photo by Vince Kuster.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sixth Sense?

So this morning I was trying to think of my dentist name so I could give it to my dental provider.

For some reason, I couldn't think of the name for nothing. My mind just went blank.

A few minutes later I went to check my email and the VERY first message was a newsletter from my dentist.

Is that scary or what? Coincidence?

I tell you, I have a gift.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Blast from the Past

I was in the mall on Saturday to return an item I had bought a month ago. I was headed to Macy's when this guy walking toward me stopped and stared at me. Well, I thought he was weird and kept walking. Then he called my name.

"Lottie," he said.

I stopped. How did he know my name?

"Lottie," he repeated. "It's me 'Anthony' from Mt. Vernon Square." The lady he was with also stopped and stared at me.

I froze. This is a guy I went out with when I first moved to the D.C., area. We lived in the same apartment complex. I had not seen him in more than a decade.

I was shocked. He looked horrible. I literally did not recognize him. When we went out he was tall (6'4), slender, athletically toned, strong, almost nice-looking.

This was not the same person - couldn't be. The person standing in front of me was overweight, sloppy, unkempt. He looked tired and had aged about 20 years. Life had not been kind to him. I do remember that he smoked - which I hated and it was probably one of the MANY reasons I never saw him again.

"Wow, you've gained weight," is all I could muster before scurrying away.

I had no interest in talking to him or catching up. I don't have good memories of our time together. In fact, when I look at him now I have to ask myself: "What were you thinking?"

I had to have been desperate or lonely or both. On one hand, I'm happy that I did not settle for a person who really wasn't about much. On the other hand, I'm mad at myself for spending precious time with such a loser - time that I can't get back.

I realize now that he didn't deserve me. But I didn't know my worth back then. Just think about all the GOOD guys I could have dated while I was kicking it with him. Oh, well. You live and you learn.


Thoughts?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Huh? What?

So I went out with Big Red last night. I was running errands when he sent me a text:"Hey babe."

"My name is Lottie," I replied.

He texted: "I know babe. what ya doin'? wanna meet later?"

I couldn't help but smile: "sure," I replied.

He sent another text: "What do you want to do?"

I suggested we see a movie. I was in a shopping center that included a theater. I told him I could meet him at 9, around the time I had expected to finish my shopping. He agreed.

As the time got closer for us to meet, he sent me a text to let me know he was on his way.

Well, I had not eaten since early afternoon and was starving. Plus, I was tired after running around all day and didn't want to risk falling asleep in a movie. So I suggested we go to a nearby restaurant in the same shopping center instead of catching a movie.

He sent me a text indicating that it was okay.

I was still in the store when he text to tell me he had made it to the restaurant. It was four minutes until 9.

Wow, I thought. Big Red is punctual.

I met him at the restaurant. He was not hard to find. His car definitely stood out among the rest — LOL.

Now, since meeting we had never had a phone conversation. We had only text each other.

We were now sitting face to face and had to talk.

Well, I couldn't understand a damn word Big Red said. In fact, I kept repeating what he said to make sure that I had it right.

I was like: Huh? What?

I don't remember his words being so mumbled the first time I met him. When we met, we danced and he bought me a drink. Afterwards he walked me to my car and we talked a little bit. But I swear I could understand him.

But last night was a different story.

Where are you from? I asked. I had noticed an accent.

It seemed like a simple question. But I didn't get a straightforward answer: My father is African and my mother is from the Bahamas.

oh, okay, I said.

But you know I was in Haiti a lot, he said.

Haiti?

Yeah.

And sometimes Miami.

Huh?

My father owns funeral homes in Haiti and my mother lives in Miami now.

Oh, gotcha. Now where did he grow up?

Anyway, I kept straining to understand his words. I didn't have any alcohol. But I did have alcohol the night I met him: vodka and cranberry. Maybe he just sounded clearer when I was under the influence - LOL.

Anyway, after dinner Big Red wanted to go out. He was ready to party after being inside all day. But I was dead tired.

Maybe next time, I said.

He walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes.

When Big Red called me this afternoon, again I couldn't quite make out his words. He was just getting up (it was 2 pm) and wanted to know if we could get together sometime today.

Then it hit me. I realized who he sounded like: LIL WAYNE ! WEEZY !!!

In fact, he even looks a bit like Weezy, a spitting image: dark-complexion, short, extremely thin and long locs.

I'm dating Lil Wayne yall !!!!




thoughts?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Big Red

So last night I helped a friend celebrate her birthday by going Salsa dancing with her. I had a blast. I met a nice guy there who was showing me all the Salsa moves. We danced most of the evening.

When I was getting ready to leave, this gentleman offered to walk me to my car. It was late - about 11 pm - so I said okay.

As we were heading toward my car, he stopped and said, "This is my car."

Now, this was a really big RED vehicle with super big rims. But it wasn't just your ordinary red car. No, this was a BRIGHT CANDY APPLE red with BIG, extra shiny rims. I mean those rims were glistening. Imagine a Snoop Dog video or Ice Cube's "It Was a Good Day." This car definitely could have been in a rap video.

He was smiling proudly.

I just said, "wow." I was sort of speechless.

"What kind of car is this?" I asked. (I'm not good with cars and couldn't really read the name on the back)

It's a Dodge Charger. He said, still smiling.

"oh, okay."

"I was hoping the car in front of me would move so he wouldn't hit it," he said.

"oh, okay," I said again.

He popped the trunk and had a box filled with bottles of oils.

"What kind of scents you like," he asked. "I got everything."

"wow," is all I could say - again. "I'm good. thanks."

So, I started walking toward my car. He insinuated that people "hated on" him because of his super duper car.

I just smiled.

He wants to go out on Friday. I really can't see him picking me up in BIG RED. Maybe I'll just meet him some place.

I know, I know. I shouldn't be so superficial and care about little petty things such as what kind of car someone drives. I mean, who am I to judge? I drive a 97 Honda Accord.

Single women often get criticized for dismissing good guys for the smallest things - like a BIG RED car. (Remember Michelle dated Barack even though he had a broke down station wagon-like car and now she's married to the President of the United States) Anyway, all that matters is that he was a nice guy and we had a good time dancing, right?

But just imagine me rolling up to your house in BIG RED. Would you be surprised? For some reason, I just can't stop laughing - LOL...


Let me know your thoughts.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Choices


My dad is retired so he loves to call me and chit chat. We talk about everything from politics to sports to history to dating. Last week we were having one of our friendly conversations about relationships and my dad stated that women had all the power in a relationship. They make all the choices, he said. Oh, here we go, I thought. (He loves to get me riled up)

I disagreed. Why do you think I'm not married? I asked.

"That's your choice," he said.

Are you serious? My choice is to be married but no one has chosen me, I argued.

My dad wasn't hearing it. He said a man presents himself before a woman, and a woman decides whether or not she wants to deal with that man. She may decide she's not interested in him romantically. She may decide she only wants to be friends. She may decide that she doesn't want to be bothered at all. But ultimately, my dad said, the woman makes the choice.

hmmm.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with my male co-worker after I had seen For Colored Girls. After telling him about the movie, he said, "Wow. These women made some bad choices."

I had never thought about that before.

I must admit that over the past few years, I've met a lot of good guys. But for whatever reason I didn't like them. Instead, I CHOSE losers. Yep, I've made some really bad choices. I guess I'm like the lady in green.

What do you guys think?
Do you believe the woman has the power in a relationship?
What about when the woman is the pursuer? Doesn't the man make the choice about whether or not he wants to be with her?
Have you made any bad choices?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Is Chivalry Dead?


I was listening to the Big Tigger Morning Show this morning and their twitter question of the day was: Things Men Don't Do Anymore.

Of course, the show received a lot of responses from their female listeners. One woman tweeted that men don't know about intimacy anymore - touching, kissing, hugging. They just want to "get it in" she noted. Another woman tweeted that men no longer commit and along the same lines, another listener wrote that men don't do relationships anymore — interesting. Please click here to read the rest of the twitter responses. Some are hilarious.

Tigger's co-host, Danella pointed out that men don't "court" women anymore.

She noted that gone are the days when you meet a guy, have a conversation with him on the phone, set up a date, he comes to pick you up for the date, you have a good time, he takes you home and you say good night.

Ms. Danella said guys don't want to call anymore, either. It's all about texting: "Can you meet me here?" And that's another thing, she said. What happened to the days when men would actually come pick you up for a date instead of you just "meeting" them out somewhere?

I'm with you Ms. Danella. But it's hard for men to court when they receive so many mix messages.

For example: I used to allow guys to come pick me up for a date. They would knock on my door, walk me to the car and open the car door for me. I never saw anything wrong with it. But listening to my friends who are concerned for my safety, now I often suggest that I meet a guy in a mutual place — a restaurant, movie theater. I understand the whole point of not wanting a stranger to know where you live - especially in these dangerous times when you really don't know what type of person you're dealing with initially. I think the online dating thing is a prime example of when you should meet someone in a public place. So today, I get in my car and drive.

But how do we expect men to court us if we don't even allow them to come pick us up for a date?

Last week, I had a date and agreed to meet the person at the event. My sister said, "He's not coming to pick you up? That's not a date." - LOL. (I'm not in Mississippi anymore Stephanie.)

Anyway, I'm getting off the topic. The question of the day is: What don't men do anymore?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by Katie Tegtmeyer.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sexual Healing


Yesterday, I wrote a post about how my doctor believed I was stressed and recommended a number of remedies such as yoga, breathing exercises and a Gratitude Journal.

Ironically, in yesterday's USAToday, there was an article about how people who are married or in committed relationships are "less susceptible to the effects of stress." In the article titled Like marriage, committed relationships may protect against stress, the author points to a recent study that found "the romantic bond of being in a committed relationship alters hormones that can buffer against stress."

Researchers in the piece also noted that "single people were more susceptible to psychological stress than those who are married or in a relationship."

wow.

Maybe the answer to my problem is love. I think Marvin Gaye had a point - lol.


What do you guys think of this study?
Do you believe single people are more susceptible to stress than those who are married or in a committed relationship? Why or Why not?
Let me know your thoughts.

photo by ku'uipo.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Doctor's Orders


So I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure was up and so was my weight. I panicked.

"Am I going to have to take blood pressure medicine?" I asked. "Do I need to go to a nutritionist or dietician to help me with my weight?"

She dismissed my concerns. Let me show you some numbers, she said. This is considered high blood pressure. You're not there. Okay, I said, feeling a little better. And this is the BMI for your height.

Well, I was over the BMI for my height, but nothing she thought I should be seriously concerned about. Lose 10 pounds and you'll be within your range for your height.

Then she looked at me eye to eye: Tell me, what's up? she asked.

I was near tears. I told her how I haven't been able to find a job in two years. I told her how I live in a really bad neighborhood but couldn't move because of the market. I explained how I needed a lot of work done on my car but couldn't afford a new one. I also told her that I had a hard time sleeping. I would wake up at 3 am every morning. And I expressed my frustration with not being able to lose weight no matter how much I exercised. (I didn't tell her that sometimes I felt bad because I didn't have a love life.)

"It's all stress-related," she said.

Huh?

The increase in your blood pressure, your weight gain, it's all stress-related, she explained.

First of all, you look great, she said.

I smiled. "Thanks," I said. I was feeling better already - lol.

I see you just had a birthday. How was it?

"It was great," I said. "I went to New York and had brunch with a few friends."

And do you have nice neighbors?

I thought about it. "Actually, I do."

Did you graduate in May? That's a big accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself.

"I am," I said, then smiled.

Have you heard of Gratitude Journals, she asked. I want you to start one. Each night I want you to write down two things you are grateful for - just two. We've already listed four just sitting in this office.

She was right. Okay, I said.

Now get up on the table and let's check your blood pressure again.

And just like that, my pressure was down. Wow. She's good, I thought.

This is what I want you to do, she said. And she wrote out my prescription:
1) Each night write down 2 things you are grateful for.
2) Do soft breathing exercises 10 minutes before going to bed.
3) Do YOGA twice a week.
4) Cut out the McDonald's sweet tea (that's 500 calories of pure sugar).
5) Make sure you get 1000mf of Calcium and 1000 units of Vitamin D every day.

If you do those things, she said, your stress level will go down. You'll also see your blood pressure decrease and you'll begin to lose weight again.

The doctor didn't put me on a diet or give me any medication. But she was concerned about my stress. I think stress is a disease unto itself. I believe it leads to many other things like high blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks. As a result, she is trying to provide me with preventive measures.

I get it: She wants me to focus on the positive and not so much about the things that are going wrong in my life.

"I want to see you in 6 months," she said.

I was smiling when I left the doctor's office. I felt a lot better than when I first arrived.

What are your thoughts about stress?
Do you believe that stress can manifest itself in other, harmful ways like acne or stomachaches, migraines or major weight gain?
What do you do to de-stress?
Do you exercise? sip tea? go to yoga? meditate? listen to music? go for a long walk?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombastico (ClintJCL).

Housewives Update

I watched the latest episode of the Atlanta Housewives on Hulu. It was cool.
So, let's dish:

First of all, Kandi knows Kim can't sing. Why did she give her that song with all those notes? Was she trying to be funny? Did yall hear Kim? I was screaming! But we know that all Kandi has to do is put a funky beat to it and it will be a hit. Also, Lawrence, Sheree's hairstylist, sounds way better than Kim. Girlfriend can really sing. I was totally feeling the "Closet Freak" song. Will he sell as many records as Kim's "Tardy for the Party?"

Bryson is getting on my nerves. But I guess I got to give the young fella some slack. He's only 20. Do you think he's motivated? He does have a famous mom who can provide him with resources and connections - that makes a big difference. Maybe he just needs to meet the right person and he'll be on his way. I like what Peter was telling him. I think Peter be a good role model, a good mentor for Bryce. Right now he seems to lack initiative.

The actor Leon and also father of model Cynthia Bailey's daughter, sounded so good — ooooh,weeee. His voice is like butter ! I didn't have to look at the computer. I just wanted to hear him talk.

I don't get it. Why does Kim have an assistant? Does she work?

I have to admire Sheree. She sticks to her standards. If you don't have money, she's really not interested. That's why she's getting rid of the Doc. He had the nerve to stay at a Holiday Inn. In her words - "Who stays at Holiday Inn?" I love it !

Leave Phaedra alone. People have their babies early all the time. (lol)

Okay, NeNe and Greg. They are struggling right now. NeNe is all about confrontation. She says what she feels when she feels like it. She doesn't hold anything back. And when she wants to tell you about yourself, she really likes putting her finger in your face. She did it with Dwight and on this episode, her husband - who looked like he wanted to..I don't know. Maybe she should confront him behind closed doors and not in front of company.

Alright, what do you think of the latest episode?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Black Relationship Series

Okay, where have I been the past two or three weeks?

Obviously, there's been several cartoon-like videos on Black relationships that have gone viral. I found out about them while checking out my friend Tanya's blog I Wanna Sing Like Sarah "Sassy" Vaughn.

The first video I viewed was a man's perspective on what he believes are the unrealistic expectations of a professional single Black woman. In the video, the lady is rattling off a list of things she wants punctuated with a list of things she won't do. It has had more than 500,000 views on YouTube. Check it out here:


The second video was a woman's view of what she believes are the unrealistic expectations of the Black man. The man in the cartoon says he expects his wife to have a degree, but not from a historically black college or university. He wants her to have a career, but she is not allowed to make more than he does. He also wants her to cook every night and care for their Six kids. Oh yeah, she must stay sexy. Check out the video here:


A number of Black media outlets have complained that the videos reinforce stereotypes of African American men and women. A blog on Essence.com emphasizes that, "While there are plenty of women out there with unrealistic expectations, the aim of this anonymous filmmaker seems to be to make this a problem unique to Black women." And author Ronda Racha Penrice writes on thegrio.com that, "While many of us may question the accuracy of the content of these videos, we can't deny that something is terribly amiss in the black male-female relationship dynamic."

The author of the original video (at the top), Darroll Lawson, is a 40-year-old married father of three. He has been featured on the Tom Joyner Morning Show as well as in mainstream media outlets including the Associated Press. In his interview with theroot.com, Lawson says the inspiration for the video came from the things he heard when he was single and dating. "If you turn on popular media, there is a consistent message [of materialism]," he said. Please read the entire interview here.

So, tell me what are your thoughts on these videos?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Nip Tuck


So a good friend allowed me to come over last night to watch the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Boy did I have a good time.

Ms. Phaedra is something else isn't she? And what do you think of Sheree's new man? I've already read reports that he's bogus. (that he only wants to date her so he can be on tv and advance his own media career.) Do you think his intentions are sincere? Check out this Bossip report.

But I was really interested in NeNe's plastic surgery. She had her nose done, a breast lift and liposuction around her tummy. She talked about why she did it in this piece in People magazine.

So, what do you think of NeNe's decision to undergo plastic surgery?
Would you have plastic surgery if you had the money to do it? If so, what procedures would you get - breast implants? liposuction? tummy tuck?
I know two folks who've had breast reduction surgery because of back problems.

I would love to have thinner thighs but I have an extremely low tolerance for pain and am scared to death of needles (the nurse has to hold my hand when they take blood). I guess I'll just have to keep teaching Jazzercise- lol.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Not For Me


Today, I took advantage of this beautiful Sunday weather to go browsing through Marshalls, Ross and Nordstrom Rack. I tried on a few things and what I know for sure is: SWEATER dresses are not for me.

My already wide hips look wider and my huge derriere looks even bigger (baby got back). Though sweater dresses seem to be all the rage right now (weren't they in style a few years ago?), I will not be able to participate in this trend.

But that's okay. I know my limits — and I do not look good in sweater dresses. They don't do anything to accentuate my figure. In fact, I look bigger. And who wants to look bigger? I'm trying to go for styles that are slimming - lol ! (hence all the black pants, black tops and many, many black dresses :)

What about you?
Are there any trends that don't flatter your figure?
Have you tried a certain style and said - "I'll pass"?

(photo by __.↖ღ ♥ A z a ™ ღ↗.'.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Brett Favre and Jesse Jackson Jr.


Over the past few months, we've heard news about football superstar Brett Favre sending, how can I say this, not nice text messages to a woman not his wife. Deadspin, an online sports website, also reported that the married Minnesota Vikings quarterback left voice mail messages on the answering machine of New York Jets game-day host Jenny Sterger expressing his desire to see her. (Favre played for the Jets in 2008)

Shortly after the Brett Favre sexting scandal broke, there was news that Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.), had an affair with a Washington D.C., restaurant hostess. The Chicago Sun Times reported that authorities, while investigating whether Jackson tried to "buy" Obama's senate seat, discovered that a businessman was asked to purchase plane tickets to Chicago for one of Jackson's "social acquaintances."

Though Jackson has denied the senate seat allegations, his wife, Chicago Alderman Sandi Jackson, said the couple have worked on their "personal matters" through marital counseling and spiritual therapy.

It seems the Brett Favre scandal is a big deal while the Jesse Jackson affair seemed to get little or no response from the public, though it was reported just as widely by national news outlets.

Why do you think people are so up in arms about the Favre thing, yet didn't even blink when it was revealed the congressman had an affair?

Let me know your thoughts.

(Brett Favre photo by cliff1066.)
(Jesse Jackson Jr. photo courtesy of official congressman website)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Real Housewives-Episode 2

Okay,
I'm just on the 2nd episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Most people are already on episode 4 (or 5?) - lol.

What do you guys think of what Kim did to Kandi about the "Tardy for the Party" song? Kim's lawyer told her she didn't have to split the money with Kandi, after all the work Kandi did to make the record a hit. I don't think that's very fair.

And what about NeNe's son 20-year-old Bryson? She had put him out.
During that time:
Dude was arrested (had marijuana in his pocket while visiting a friend in jail).
Doesn't help clean the house.
Doesn't go to school.
Doesn't work.
Comes in at all times in the morning.
Then had the nerve to tell his mother she was too strict.

But in the end NeNe agreed to let him back in, but he could only stay for 90 days (you know to allow him to look for a job). She told him that after he leaves on the 91st day, he couldn't come back.
Do you think it's just talk? Check out the video here:




I like the new housewife, model Cynthia Bailey. I think she's cool.(so far)

And Ms. Phaedra. I like her. She's fiesty.
While cooking a meal for her and her husband, Phaedra mentioned that she wasn't a homemaker, but now that's she married, she had to do what "Every proper Southern woman does." LOL - What does that mean?

let me know your thoughts...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Re-thinking Marriage


For the past two years, I have been Gung-ho about getting married, finding a husband, trying to find somebody to "put a ring on it." I've written about some of my escapades in this blog.

But today, as I walked along the Alexandria Waterfront by myself (among all the loving couples), I got to thinking: Do I really want to get married?

By married, I mean in the traditional sense.

I know I want a companion, a partner, a love — maybe someone to hold my hand or rub my feet (after teaching an hour Jazzercise class) or someone to have dinner with on occasion. I want a help mate (it's hard finding a reliable handyman these days - LOL. okay, just kidding).

But do I want to be a wife?

After visiting a recently married friend, I learned this takes a whole new set of skills (lol) — compromise, sacrifice, etc.

I don't know. I'm not quite sure what I want right now. But I do know that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want someone "to have and to hold." But will it be in a conventional marriage? I can't say.

What are your thoughts?


(photo by Pikaluk.)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Unconditional Love


A few weeks ago I was going through a couple of old issues of O, The Oprah magazine. I came across the August 2006 issue on friendship. In that issue, O columnist Lisa Kogan talked to Oprah and her best friend Gayle about their special bond. Oprah described their friendship as otherworldly. Gayle said, "Sometimes you don't even realize how big it is."

In talking about the importance of connection, Lisa mentioned how people ached for friends who don't have an agenda.

Oprah responded:
"...in a way, our friendship is better than a marriage or a sexual relationship. You know, there's no such thing as unconditional love in a marriage as far as I'm concerned, 'cause let me tell you, there are some conditions. [LAUGHTER] So don't ask me to give you unconditional love, because there are certain things I won't tolerate."

wow. What do you think about that? This is heavy.

I know what she's saying: that your true friends, real friends, will love you no matter what(I can be fat. I can be poor.); but that marriage has some "conditions."

But I am a hopeless romantic and I want to believe that there is unconditional love in a marriage. I want someone who will love me unconditionally - despite all my faults (and boy do I have faults). I know this is idealistic, but a girl can dream can't she?

I envision marriage as a loving and nurturing relationship. However, I know I have to be realistic and realize that, like Oprah said, "there are certain things I won't tolerate." (i.e.-cheating, domestic violence, drug use, etc.) And I have to wonder about his "conditions." Will he love me if I gained 50 pounds, cheated or lied about a significant financial issue? (honey, I got credit cards in your name and gave all our savings to my sister - sorry.)

On the other hand, isn't there something in the vows that say "for better or for worse"- an unconditional love maybe?

Anyway, I'm all over the place right now, so these are my questions:
Do you believe there is unconditional love in a marriage?
Do you believe there are some "conditions" in a marriage?
What are some things you won't tolerate?
Can friendship be better than a marriage or sexual relationship?

Let me know your thoughts.


(photo by verticlebones).

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Homecooked Meal


I was talking to a guy last night. He is from Ghana. He asked me where I was from. I told him Mississippi. He said he loved African women and Southern women.

"Really?" I said. "Why?" I asked.

He told me that he liked Southern women because "they can cook and they know how to take care of a man."

Now, I didn't know if I should have been offended or flattered by his comment.

I remember a few years ago, a male church member would help me out with some of my home projects. I would always ask him how much I owed him for the work and he would always opt for just a homecooked meal. So I would cook dinner and we would talk.

One day he told me I was perfect: "Man, you're nice, smart and you can cook," he said. He expressed his interest in me, but said he wasn't sure if I could be submissive - LOL. This young man is now married.

So the Ghanaian got me to thinking: Maybe my relationships aren't working out because I haven't shown my "nurturing" side. I don't remember the last time I cooked dinner for a male suitor.

My realtor once told me he dated a young lady for more than a year and not "once did she cook dinner for me." And on another occasion a former boyfriend told me that he liked to visit Brazil because women there "let men be men." (What do you think that means?)

Is this what guys want?

It reminded me of a scene in the movie, The Best Man. Writer Taye Diggs comes home and his girlfriend, played by Sanaa Lathan had cooked dinner and had a nice warm bath ready for her man. In college, Diggs' character was in love with Nia Long's character who had become a successful television producer. His friend told him that Long's character, who was single, would not make a good wife (or would never settle down), because that type of woman would always put her career first.

Interesting.

So I ask, despite all the progress and gains we've made over the years, do men really want a "traditional" wife?
What are your thoughts on this?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Deal-Breakers


I'm suppose to be working right now, but I had to catch up on last night's premiere episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. And since I don't have cable I have to watch it on the computer.

I know it's an entertainment show, but I always learn something from matchmaker Patti Stanger. For example, she suggests that couples be monogamous for at least a minimum of three months before becoming intimate. Good advice I think.

She's in New York this season and last night asked one of her clients to list his 5 deal-breakers, non-negotiables, if you will. What EXACTLY are you looking for in a mate she asked him.

When you meet someone, Patti suggested to him, interview them, qualify them and if they don't meet your requirements, walk the other away. Don't waste your time. (I'm paraphrasing of course.) Check out the video here or look at it below (it's only 1:51).


Now, I've done this and have gotten beaten up about it. But several things have happened over the past year or so since I've been dating. First, I've met guys who, on the surface, was everything I wanted; but for whatever reason I didn't really click with them. Then, in an effort to be open and broaden my horizons, I've gone out with guys who were totally opposite of what I wanted which led to some hilarious, frightful and, may I say, eventful times.

Interestingly, the last guy I dated, I really liked - and he didn't meet any of my requirements - lol. He hadn't finished college, he was divorced and had a child. But I really enjoyed being with him. Go figure.

Anyway, Patti's client listed his 5 deal-breakers. He desired: someone who definitely wanted children; someone who had friends; someone who was spontaneous; someone who came from a good family and someone who was HOT (Patti made him choose something else so he said someone who was Honest).

These are all good things. Honesty is definitely on the top of my list of non-negotiables.

What are your 5 dealbreakers - things that are non-negotiable?
What EXACTLY are you looking for in a mate?
Did you check out the video? What do you think of Patti's suggestions? Do you agree with her?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Atlanta Housewives


So, I still don't have my cable back. But I was able to watch the first episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta on my computer.

Thank God for technology because it was good.

The Housewives series is one of my guilty pleasures (along with the Millionaire Matchmaker and court shows) so I couldn't wait to see what the ladies in Atlanta were up to in their third season, especially with the two new cast members.

And they didn't disappoint. Can I say drama for yo' mama?

oooh, weee !!!

So let's dish:
When did Dwight and NeNe fall out?

What do you think of Kandi's new beau? (An NFL baller who plays for the Baltimore Ravens). He has a beautiful smile (nice straight white teeth - lol).

Kim admits her lesbian affair and is nervous about her 13-year-old daughter dating. (I liked that she told her daughter, "We don't chase boys.")

Sheree's male beautician looks better than me in makeup and his nails are absolutely fabulous (red like Sheree's purse). Anyway, I wish I was as feminine as he was, maybe I could get a date.

Do you guys miss Lisa?

And what do you think of the new housewife - Attorney Phaedra Parks? Girlfriend looks like she's going to be a handful (to say the least) - LOL.

If the first episode is any indication, this is going to be a great season. Can we say, DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA !

But isn't that what good TV is all about?

What are your thoughts? Did you see the first episode?

(image by Quantrell Colbert/Bravo)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Bad Connection

Remember Chicago?

Well, he wants to come visit me for my birthday - Nov. 4th, which is 2 weeks away. The thing is - I don't like him.

But I don't know how to tell him that.

As you may recall, I met him on Match in January. We talked or text or emailed everyday for about 7 months. (He would call early in the morning and lovingly tell me -"I wish you were here.") For months I enjoyed talking to him and looked forward to his emails and texts throughout the day. He filled a void in my life.

But then I met him.

On the surface, he had all the qualities I was looking for: perfect age (38) and a college-educated professional, never married, no kids. But there was something about him that was just, I don't know... weird !

I didn't feel a connection at all. But obviously he did and has booked his flight to come visit for my birthday weekend.

I don't want him to come.

I have a few rituals for my birthday. I go to the spa every year and I have brunch with about 4 or 5 of my close friends.

This year, I want to do the same. I want to go to the spa. I want to have brunch with my friends and maybe see an exhibit or Tyler Perry's new movie "For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf," which is coming out Nov. 5th. Check out the trailer here: .

Even though it would be nice to finally have someone to spend my birthday with for once, I don't want to spend my birthday trying to entertain someone I really don't like. I want to enjoy my birthday with my friends, not stressed with some dude.

I want to call him and say don't come, but he's already bought his ticket (he emailed me his itinerary).

What do I do?
What are your thoughts?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Men and Money


I love "judge" shows, especially Judge Judy and People's Court.
Many cases feature a woman (both the young and mature) suing an ex-boyfriend, ex-fiance,ex-lover, for a "loan" she made him when they were together.

Now these "loans" vary from a small amount to larger amounts - for a car, or down payment on an apartment or for a computer, etc. These men often claim that the money were "gifts" (she wanted to help me out).

So my question today is:

Would you lend your boyfriend money if he needed it?

Does it matter how long you have been dating or if you were
in a long-term, serious committed relationship?

Does it matter how much money?

Does it matter what the money was for?

I once dated a guy who asked me to loan him money to go on a ski
trip with his boys. The ski trip just happened to be on Valentine's DAY !!
(Was he an idiot? Boy do I know how to pick 'em -lol). The conversation ended with a simple no.

But what are your thoughts on men and money?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

A Lecture on Long

I haven't written about the Bishop Long scandal on purpose. I'm trying my best to withhold judgment. Right now, there are only accusations. But there are plenty of other folks who are weighing in on the matter.

Check out the video below from a bisexual Atlanta pastor. What are your thoughts on what he has to say?


Friday, October 1, 2010

Her Husband

My friend is the sweetest lady. We grew up together, but with our busy schedules, we aren't able to talk as much as we would like, however technology, of course, has made communication easier.

But...

I don't like her husband.

I think he's rude, arrogant, insensitive. I think he talks too much and says things before thinking without regard of the impact his words may have on someone. I also think he's a little bit sexist. I'm extremely uncomfortable around him. (He's always asking me why I can't keep a man, which hurts my feelings).

I don't like him I tell ya.

But...

He's not my husband and I don't have to.

My friend can love who she wants. They have a family, several beautiful children. So, I email her, communicate via Facebook and call her when I know he's not around. I've avoided visiting her and see her when I can, which can be years sometimes.

Have you ever been in this situation?
Has one of your close friends married someone who you don't get along with?
How do you deal with a situation like this?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Little Things

Since I've been back on the dating scene, I've realized how much I've missed intimacy. Now I'm not talking about sex, but INTIMACY — those little things: holding hands, the soft touch on the small of my back, a warm embrace, a tender kiss.

Isn't it nice just to be touched? I swear, there's nothing like a good ole hug.

There is something about being coupled, in a relationship or dating that brings a little light in my life. When the jobs stresses you out or you're running from one deadline to another, it feels good to know that someone (besides your friends and family) is thinking about you during the day, someone cares about how your day went and someone wants to spend time with you.

What about when your sweetie texts: "thinking about you," just when your co-workers are getting on your nerves? That's a nice feeling. (In high school, I used to get little notes in between classes from my sweetheart. Now it's all about technology !)

What about the thought of meeting someone for dinner later or having someone rub your feet while he watches your reality TV - LOL !!! (sorry, I'm guilty of that).

Better yet, what about the call at the end of the night, just before you fall asleep, after a long hard day? It's good to know someone's in your corner.

When I worked as a radio announcer for WJSU Public Radio Station in Jackson, Miss., I often played a jazz song called, "The Thought of You" - aawwww, yes.

It's something about intimacy that lifts the spirit, those little things you know. Maybe it's the power of touch. I don't know, but whatever it is, I feel a little better.

What are your thoughts on intimacy?
What do you think about "those little things"?
Do you miss male affection and companionship?
Are you happier when you are coupled, in a relationship or dating?
Does life seem just a little bit better?

photo by annstheclaf.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Marriage Material


Recently I was looking through a summer edition of Jet magazine with the original Foxy Brown, Pam Grier, on the cover. Grier is an icon of the '70s blaxploitation movies and at 61, she's as beautiful as ever.

Grier has been busy doing television, movies and promoting her New York Times best-selling memoir Foxy: My Life in Three Acts. In the book she talks about her tragic childhood, career, love and loss. She dated a number of famous men including comedian Richard Pryor and basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

According to the Jet article, Grier is still reeling from a recent breakup with a man she called, "Lance." The actress described her former lover as a blue blood from the East Coast. Basically he told her she wasn't good enough for him.

The news was painful.

"Lance told me that I wasn't 'country club,'" Grier told Jet. "That really surprised me. I didn't have an Ivy League education, but I'm well read. That's what hurt me the most when he did that."

wow.

I guess "Lance" felt that the beautiful and legendary Pam Grier was good enough to date for a while, but this award-winning actress was not marriage material - not good enough to be his 'country club' wife.

Ouch - that even hurt me.

But don't we know guys who will date the same woman for 5,10,15 years and then marry someone ELSE. To me it's saying, 'You'll do for now until I find "the one."' I know a guy who dated a young lady for about 5 years. He went to his college homecoming game and met someone else. They married about a year later. I wonder, was the first young lady not "marriage material"? She was a very sweet girl, but I remember the one he married was a little more polished, sophisticated.

I recall another guy friend I had known quite a while. He always dated wild women - loud, over-the-top girls who wore very revealing clothing. He ended up marrying a very quiet, soft-spoken school teacher. WTF? I did not see that coming.

I guess guys look for different things when they're ready to settle down with a wife - someone could be a fun girlfriend, but not marriage material.

Does this explain my present state of singleness?
I wonder if men see me as marriage material or just someone cool to hang out with until they find 'the one.'

hmmm.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on what "Lance" told Grier?
Do you think you're "marriage material"?
Has it been difficult to find men who are "marriage material"? (Because I don't believe we are the problem.)
Maybe I should ask a few men what kind of woman they consider marriage material because I know too many good single women.

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by geminicollisionworks.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Oh, BOY !


So I went to the Washington Convention Center yesterday to pick up my registration for the Congressional Black Caucus' Annual Legislative Conference. I usually cover the conference panels and workshops for my job. I get great story ideas and make great contacts for future stories.

There were so many fine Black men in suits, I began having heart palpitations. I mean, I had to sit down for fear of having an anxiety attack. Jesus. They were everywhere: polite, well-groomed, smart. oooowweeee!!!

Most seemed like they had their sh$t together. They looked like they were about something.

But all that glitters ain't gold. Looks can be deceiving.

A few years ago when the Black MBA Association held their conference in D.C. I met three guys at one of the parties. One was an attorney and realtor with octopus hands and a vulgar mouth. Another was a Ph.D. candidate who lived in North Carolina. He was rude. And the last guy I met turned out to be a former felon. Yep. He had served time in jail for gun possession and holding someone hostage. I'm not kidding. I later learned that he wore one of those things around his ankle so law enforcement could keep track of his whereabouts - WHAT ???

I was floored. I had met this guy at the Black MBA party! But he looked the part — nice suit, polite, well-spoken, friendly. He fit right in with those well-educated, well-established Black folks with good jobs. (turns out he knew some of the people who worked for the club - security or dj - who told him about the party)

So lesson learned: Anybody can put on a nice suit. (and anybody with an email can get on a guestlist or show an email printout)

Anyway, back to the CBC. I'll probably do a reception or two in the following days and who knows, I may even hit a party. But I'm not "looking" for a man or expecting to meet anyone. Comedian Cheryl Underwood has often referred to CBC weekend as "Freaknik for old folks." LOL. There have probably been more than a few hookups over the years. On more than one occasion I've seen a married male friend chatting a little too close to some random chic not his wife. (innocent flirting right?)

What do you think?
Do you know anyone who met someone or "hooked" up during CBC weekend or any other big event — Howard Homecoming, fraternal conventions or association conferences (Black MBA, Black accountants, Lawyer groups, etc.)?
Do you think these kinds of conferences are good places to meet people for long-term relationships?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by g-mikee.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Search for A Queen

First let's get this straight: There will never be another Aretha Franklin. Period. She has a voice that comes along only once in a generation - one that moves the soul and speaks to the heart of men.



Now that's that out of the way, it seems Ms. Franklin wants Academy-Award winner Halle Berry to play her in a movie based on the singer's life.I can understand why she would want to be portrayed by America's most celebrated African American actress today.


But "RE RE" has one of the greatest voices of all time and as a result, I would like to see someone known with powerhouse vocals to play her. You know, folks like Kelly Price, gospel singer Tarralyn Ramsey or the super-talented Jennifer Hudson, who sung her way into an Oscar win in her role as a Dreamgirl.


Others have mentioned Jill Scott and Queen Latifah as possible leads to play the Queen of Soul. But what about newcomers like Melanie Fiona or Jazmine Sullivan who seem to have that deep, soulful range that would be required to sing some of the Queen's classics like "Ain't No Way", "I Never Loved a Man," "Dr. Feelgood" or "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman."

These songs are timeless classics and it will take a special person, a unique personality and perhaps an absolute unknown to really embody the character of the Queen.





What do you think?
Who should play Aretha Franklin in a movie about her life?
Is there anyone out there today talented enough to take on the Queen of Soul's songs?

Let me know your thoughts.

PHOTOS:
Photo of Aretha Franklin by Soul Portrait.
Photo of Halle Berry by brava_67.
Photo of Queen Latifah by forcefulally.
Photo of Jennifer Hudson by IHEARTHIPHOP.
Photo of Jill Scott by www.chicagofabulousblog.com.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What He Thinks

I received my latest Essence magazine in the mail last week with three gorgeous brothers on the cover - Boris Kodjoe, Blair Underwood and Lance Gross. Inside was a Sex & Love survey titled "Inside the Male Mind." The magazine polled Black men about their thoughts on Black women — from the bedroom to hair to commitment. The results were thought-provoking, eye-opening and quite revealing.

Here are a few results I found interesting:

IMAGE
56% of brothers were bothered by weaves and "fake" hair. In fact, 69% said they didn't care about the length of a woman's hair as long as it looked good. On the other hand 22% said they "hated" head scarves.
(I wore a head scarf for about a year. No wonder I didn't getting any dates!)

42 % said an attractive body is more important than a pretty face (really?); 33% said they admired the "butt" more than any other body part. (Finally someone who appreciates a bottom-heavy gal like me !)


SEX
49% of guys said they were uncomfortable dating a woman who is more sexually experienced. (What about the whole - 'lady in the street and freak in the bed adage'?)

71% said they would be disappointed if you didn't reach an orgasm. (ahh, sweet)

56% thought sex was "definitely better in a relationship."
(Yay! That's some good news!)

55% would not be in a relationship with a woman who did not perform oral sex.
(Really?!)

67 % said they were not bothered when they saw a Black woman dating a White man.


COMMITMENT
55 % said they would respect a man who had a successful marriage over a man with a successful career - (WOW ! More good news)

48% of men surveyed said loyalty was the most important trait for a woman to have in a relationship.
(I think that makes sense, but I just wonder if that "loyalty" will be reciprocated)

43% believe 30-35 is the ideal age to get married.
(I was wearing a damn scarf during that time !)


So tell me, what do you think of these survey results?
Did any of the stats surprise you?
What was the most revealing or eye-opening?
(Pick up the latest issue of Essence to read all the survey results).

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Soul Mate Wish List

So, I get an email from Oprah.com about finding your soul mate and of course I open it because, well, I'm trying to find my soul mate.

In the article, author Arielle Ford notes how she was a successful entrepreneur who had also created a nonprofit that raised a million dollars for homeless women. According to her, she had "an amazing life, wonderful friends" and a big, fun career. But at 43 she was single, "with no real prospects for romance."

So what did she do? Ford decided to use the same manifestation tools and techniques that she used to launch a successful career and nonprofit (such as prayer and meditation) and applied them to her love life.

The first thing she did, Ford notes, was create a Soul Mate Wish List. Before creating the list, she listened to her heart to decide what she most desired in a life partner. Ford writes: "By identifying what's really important to you, you'll begin to send out a strong and consistent signal that will draw to you a partner who has values and goals that are similar to yours."

Today, Ford is happily married to her soul mate. Read about her journey here.

In the article, Ford listed a few qualities and traits to consider when creating a soul mate list such as: Affectionate, Ambitious, Articulate, Beautiful, Caring, Charismatic, Considerate, Creative, Family-oriented, Fun, funny, Generous, Loving, Nurturing, Smart, Successful, etc.

I thought it was interesting there was nothing on the list about education instead she said ambitious, articulate, successful. There was nothing on there about marital status or children, instead she used the words, family-oriented. (I wondered where was I going to put 'college-educated professional never married no kids'?). There was also nothing about physical traits — tall, slim, short, athletic. Ford used the term, "beautiful," which could mean different things to different people.

So maybe I have been asking for the wrong thing: Always looking for those with superficial success instead of quality traits. I'll change my tune and see if I can finally draw that special someone into my life.

What do you think?
What are your thoughts on the Soul Mate Wish List?
Do you believe in such a thing?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Ask... and You Shall Receive

I can't blame God.

I really can't. He's given me everything I've asked for.

I asked to meet a man: college educated professional, never married, no kids. And I've met those guys. But I didn't like them. (Paper boys-they look good on paper only.)

I asked to meet a man: serious about commitment, marriage-minded, monogamous. And I've met those guys (boy did I meet those guys !). And again, I didn't like them.

I asked to meet a man: down-to-earth, fun, cool to hang out with. And I've met those guys. I didn't like them. Have you ever heard of someone being TOO down-to-earth? (I'm so hood !)

I would always say, "I want a man who is really into me, someone who would worship me." (yeah, I actually said that) The last three guys I've met have really been into me, so into me that it was scary.

So, I can't complain. God has given me exactly what I've asked for. He hears me and he's answered my prayers.

So, what gives? Why hasn't it worked? Why haven't I clicked with anyone? Why haven't I met anyone I feel is worthy of a long-term relationship?
Maybe God is trying to tell me something, teaching me a lesson maybe?

What are your thoughts?
Why do you think I haven't met anyone I really want to be with, despite meeting men with the qualities I want?

Oh, yeah be sure to check out my blog tomorrow on the "Soul Mate List."

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

So, I just learned he's divorced.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked.

"Why you just asking?" he shot back.

I was, I don't know, disappointed?

For our first date, I tried not to do my usual "interviewing" — where are you from? where did you go to school? do you have any children? have you ever been married? do you like what you do? — so I didn't. But as a result, I missed out on some very pertinent information. Information that I feel would have helped me decide whether I wanted to go any further with this person.

I know people get on me about "interviewing" men when I first meet them. But I believe by asking them certain questions upfront you can decide whether or not this is a person you are interested in getting to know better.

As I found out today, when you don't ask those questions, some folks are not going to volunteer the information. You just have to find out later — months later (maybe even years). It may be through casual conversation or worse, gossip. (Oh, and don't let me find you on Maury Povich saying 'He IS the father'!)

That's not cool.

I would rather know early on who I'm dealing with, than later on after I've gotten into a relationship or developed strong feelings for someone.

So, it came out today that he is divorced. He was married for two years in his early 20s.

"What?" I was livid.

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew how you would react," he said. "Plus, it was like 13 years ago."

Now that's just dishonest to me. Seriously.

Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Sure. Would I have gone out with him if I knew early on that he had been married before? Probably. I've dated divorced men. But he didn't give me a chance to make that decision. I was robbed of that opportunity.

Several years ago, I learned that someone I had been seeing for nearly two years was divorced. I had never known that he had been married in his early 20s. Like the current dude, he said, "you never asked."

wow.

So, I'm going back to the way I used to do things. When I meet someone who may be interested in me romantically, I'm going to ask UPFRONT the questions I want to know: Are you married? Are you separated (because you know some folks think just because they no longer live in the same house they're not married)? Have you ever been married? Do you have any children? If so, how many? Ages? etc. I'm just going to get it out of the way.

Now I may not ask at the first handshake or first hello, but you better believe our first telephone conversation will be about getting to know this person. Yes, I want to know if you have a job (or are in-between jobs because of the economy or working toward a job because you may have just completed school). Yes I want to know if you have children and if so, how many. Yes, I want to know if you've ever been married.

It is important to me to understand what kind of situation I may be potentially stepping into and it will allow me to decide whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with someone.

As I learned today, if you don't ask, you won't know.

What are your thoughts?
Do you think if someone is not forthcoming about their past it's like lying?
Do you think it's being dishonest?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Girl Talk

A few weeks ago, I had brunch with some girlfriends from my alma mater. We get together every so often to catch up and check in on each other. We know that living in D.C. is a long way from the dorms of Jackson State University in Mississippi. So we often dish about life: work, play and love. We laugh. We share. We remember the good ole times. And we offer support to each other.

So on this day, we met at a neat spot not far from downtown D.C. to celebrate the recent nuptials of one of the ladies in the group. During our nearly 4-hour gathering, we talked about everything from careers to traveling (Egypt anyone?) to possible motherhood, to, of course, relationships (why does the conversation always end up on men?).

The subject of homecoming and husbands came up. I mentioned that one of our school mate's husband loved our homecoming - the parade, the game, halftime, receptions and the after parties.

"I met her husband. Did he go to Jackson State?" asked one of the ladies who I'll call "Simone."

"No," I said.

"He looks like he does manual labor," said Simone.

Everyone froze. "What?" someone finally asked.

"You know. He looks like a blue-collar worker," Simone continued.

Now, "Simone" is extremely smart and super successful. She has a Ph.D. and a high level federal government job. She earns a pretty penny and owns a nice home in Maryland. She's not married and she doesn't have any children. She usually dates men who are "somebody" - men with multiple degrees or "good" jobs.

"He's a nice person," I said. "He works hard and he loves his family."

"Lottie, you don't have to defend him," someone at the table said.

But we all knew what "Simone" meant. Our school mate has an MBA and works for a top Fortune 500 company in the city. She's done pretty well. A few years ago she married a man who did not have similar education or the same professional experience. We knew that Simone was implying that our friend had married someone not on her "level" — just an average guy.

Our school mate, however, was blissfully happy. She had a beautiful home and an even more beautiful family (they have one child together).

On the other hand, more than half the folks sitting at the table that afternoon, including Simone, were single.

Go figure.

What are your thoughts on this? Do we know folks who actually feel like Simone but won't say it - too afraid of what others may think of them?

Monday, August 30, 2010

What Not To Wear


A few weeks ago I saw a woman who had to be in her 50s, maybe even 60s, wearing short shorts and girlfriend looked good in her shorts!

So that got me to thinking: Now that I'm closer to 40 than 30, at what age should I stop wearing certain clothing?

How old is too old to wear:
mini skirts
sleeveless tops or sleeveless dresses
daisy duke shorts
low rise jeans
bikinis
short, navel-revealing tops

Remember in Sex and the City 2, Samantha, who was 50, had on the same outfit as teen queen Miley Cyrus. At what age would I look absolutely ridiculous wearing, I don't know, wedge shoes?

On an episode of The Real Housewives of New York last year, housewife Jill commented that rival Ramona was too old to be wearing a bikini. Except for one, all of the women are in their 40s. And by God, Ramona looked good in her swim wear.

Now, Halle Berry, who is in her 40s, looks absolutely gorgeous in a bikini. But we all don't have Halle Berry's perfect body.

And did you see the photos of Oscar winner Helen Mirren, left, in a bikini? Girlfriend is in her 60s and rocking it! Check out the photos here.

Anyway, I guess my question is, if you have the BODY, does that mean you can wear whatever you want at any age?


Tina Turner still looks good in a mini skirt at near 70. But I'm not delusional. I know I won't look like Tina Turner when I'm nearly 70.



I'm aware, however, that things begin to droop and sag as we get older. Though exercise and weight-bearing movements help a lot, eventually gravity takes over. Cher once admitted in an interview that she hated aging, getting older. And Madonna is doing all she can to fight mother nature.

But seriously, some women of a certain age don't feel comfortable showing their arms. I don't feel comfortable wearing shorts (for obvious reasons - lol !).


So tell me:
What things do you think are inappropriate for a woman over 40, over 50 or over 60 to wear?

Let me know your thoughts.


Halle Berry photo by Brava67.

Photo of Helen Mirren by Steve Garfield.

Tina Turner photo by Exettra Inc..