Friday, September 11, 2009

Here We Go Again

Last Friday, while I was in Mississippi visiting my family,
I missed a story on NPR's Tell Me More titled, "Black Women: Successful
and Still Unmarried." Please read the story here . (Be sure to read some of the 91 comments that follow the piece.)

The story referenced results from a new Yale study which found that "highly educated black women are twice as likely to have never been married by the age of 45 as white women with similar education."

Surprise. Surprise.

Obviously this isn't anything new or groundbreaking. Many Black women are living this reality everyday.

The two young ladies featured in the piece were smart women, both with advanced degrees, but mateless. They noted that "black women are often encouraged to choose advanced education, but sometimes at the expense of personal relationships."

One specifically said that when she went to graduate school at age 21, marriage really wasn't a priority in her life.

"I thought either you do school or you do marriage ... but never thought of them as being able to co-exist," the young lady said in the story.

I can definitely relate. When I went to Ohio State at age 21, marriage was the furthest thing from my mind.

But maybe my priorities were in the wrong order.

If I hadn't gone to grad school, I could be married with 2 or 3 kids — going to Girl Scout meetings and Little League games. And when I think about it, my advanced degree hasn't really help me make more money or even get a better job. Instead, I'm single and broke ! And this degree doesn't keep me warm at night.

LOL.

Okay, who am I kidding? I don't think I'm single because I went to grad school. It was only a year out of my life. I wasn't ready at that time.

Now I'm ready, and there's nobody to be found.

I think about my two stepsisters. One is on her third (or is it fourth?) marriage and she isn't even 40 yet. Her sister will be getting married for the second time next June, she will be turning 30 soon. They both got married right after high school and have never had trouble finding husbands.

One of the ladies noted in the NPR story: "Men tend to become 'distinguished' as they get older. Women just get old."

Ouch.

What are your thoughts?

2 comments:

SingLikeSassy said...

You know Lottie, it always amazed me how women could get two and three husbands while I remained single. I took me years of dating to get the one husband (who is perfect for me, glad I didn't get married before and miss out).

But I wonder if some women are more willing to take a chance on a halfass something than wait on something real special. I did have one friend tell me to "just pick somebody and marry him" and another friend say "is it *that* hard to find a husband?" as if choosing a lifelong mate was the same as picking fruit at the grocery store. Neither one of them are happy and I don't communicate much with them any more as I didn't want their unhappiness to seep into my fledgling marriage.

I think most black women who pursue advanced degrees and are assertive about their careers are women who expect better than the average because they work hard to achieve their goals.

As a result, many of them aren't interested in halfassedness.

For example, you've posted about whether your dating standards are too high. You work hard to achieve goals and you want a partner with the same energy and focus. That's not necessarily the dude with a bunch of babies, various ex-wives, jacked up credit -- you know what I mean.

I don't know that I have a point here, this is more stream of consciousness stuff so I'll stop and let someone else comment. LOL!

Anonymous said...

i'm sick to death of this story. we're not single because we pursued an education (or because we're too picky or put relationships and family on the back burner behind career); we're still single because people no longer value marriage. and why should they? as a society, we've devalued the institution--even while we're screaming "family values" from every corner. now can somebody stop wasting research money on "why educated black women don't have husbands" and use those resources to find a cure for cancer or AIDS?