For the past two weeks, I've received the same email: an essay by Jeneé Desmond-Harris titled "What Single Women Can Learn from Michelle." In her piece Harris discusses how many intelligent, professional, successful Black women dismiss perfectly good guys for superficial reasons. This is not something we haven't heard before. In fact, Harris notes, "The idea that things are hard for Black women who want to date Black men who match us in academic and career success is a well-worn cultural narrative." But her point is the reason Michelle Obama is now the First Lady of the United States is because she overlooked the small stuff - the odd name, the goofiness, the oversized ears. Instead, she focused on things far more important: Barack's goodness, his warm smile. (The fact that Barack was a Harvard Law grad probably didn't hurt either). Michelle saw the big picture. Now she's married to the most powerful man in the world.
Harris' essay was so popular that there was a followup essay written by a man. In his essay, "What Single Women Can't Learn from Michelle," David Swerdlick gives us a list of things to consider before the next man passes us by. He suggests that Black women stop comparing men they meet to Barack, stop looking at how much money someone makes, stop dismissing men for not being perfect or ideal and try dating outside the race.
But I have to disagree when Swerdlick says, "we're [Black men] not letting a winner slip past us just because her ponytail is tucked up under a ball cap."
I cannot tell you how many beautiful, intelligent, professional, successful, philanthropic Black women I know who are definitely "winners" yet, they somehow "slip past" successful Black men because they were not of a certain hue or a certain size. (and should I even mention hair?)
This is what Black men can learn from Barack: Stop looking for Halle Berry and start looking at the good - someone who will be by your side, have your back through it all. Smart, confident, ambitious, Michelle was a great catch. She was the prize, a winner and Obama knew it.
But Obama is a rare man, a special kind of guy. As many of us know from experience, there are some Black men, who, once they become successful, no longer think Black women are good enough for them, let alone a woman with beautiful brown skin.
The fact is many Black women are single, not because we are superficial, but because men are. For example, I remember one of my male colleagues telling me he didn't think Oprah was all that because her nails looked jacked up. What? You're dismissing the most influential woman in the world because of...her nails? Another male colleague, a 40-something entrepreneur, often laments how he can't find the right woman. I suggested one of my good friends, a definite "winner." He said she wasn't his type. What's your type I asked? He pulled out a picture of his ex-girlfriend who looked like the late R&B singer Aaliya. Then there's my former co-worker, now in his mid-50s, never married, who refuses to date women whose dress size is more than one digit. Speaking of dresses, a man I once dated didn't like the clothes I wore. He thought I dressed too conservative, old. He wanted me to show a little skin. He missed out on a "winner."
Even Harris admits in her essay, that men can be superficial, "We expect men to resist what society tells them about ideals when it comes to us — God, help the brother who admits a preference for skin or hair displayed on every magazine cover; or the arrogant fool who holds out for his own Clair Huxtable, not acknowledging that The Cosby Show was fiction."
Let's face it. Men seem to have an upper hand in this. They have choices we don't. A young man once told me at a party, "I'm a Black man with a college degree, no kids and a good job. I can be choosy." I couldn't argue with him. He was right.
But as Harris accurately writes in her essay, Black women "who do seek to have relationships with black men of similar circumstances might need to open up a little... we must start to question our assumptions about what our ideal really is."
My ideal? At this point, I just want someone to hold my hand; a hug would be nice too.
What about you?
What are your thoughts on this issue?
4 comments:
i'm sick to death of the "what black women are doing wrong" shtick. sure, airheads and gold diggers exist, but most of us just want a guy to treat us well and who has no problem being a partner in raising our children and our other endeavors.
I share the frustration of the poster above. I'm tired of spinning my wheels, jumping through hoops, trying to be something that I'm not -- not sure what -- in order to entice a Black man. Why do I have to work so hard when I'm perfectly desirable as I am? Lottie, I'm waiting for your treatise on the crises affecting single, successful Black women, women who still prefer to be coupled with a similarly typed Black man.
Womp. Womp. I'm tired, too. I can only be me. It seems like women have to change for men and not the other way around.
I often say -- to much laughter from my girlfriends -- that a guy can look like Quasimodo with two nickels to rub together and still think he deserves Beyonce. There are whole lot of average brothers looking for sisters that are unattainable while overlooking good sisters right in front of them. Why that is, I don't know. Back when our parents got married it was about finding a good woman who could keep a good home, cook, raise kids and be supportive. Nowadays I guess it's about finding the best stunna you can get so all the other men will envy you -- no matter that she might be stupid or shallow or unaccomplished. Meanwhile plenty of smart, accomplished and attractive sisters are left on the sidelines because they refuse to "drop it like it's hawt" or run to the NBA All-Star weekend parties etc.
What's really disappointing about this is that so many women who wants families but want to do it with a husband are having to forgo that dream because they don't want to be single moms. This affects our community in ways we cannot completely measure right now.
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