Last week, a guy I had dated about 8 years ago sent me a text message
inquiring about my "status."
Are you married?
No.
Kids?
No.
Good, he said, "because you're suppose to marry me and have my babies."
I was confused.
When we dated, it was nice for the first six or so months, then it quickly went downhill.
On the outside he was everything I wanted: a southern gentleman who was financially stable, never married, no kids.
On the inside however, he was unreliable, irresponsible, dishonest, and sometimes disrespectful. There were times when he would make me feel small, inadequate, not good enough.
At the time he didn't believe in the bible, but would quote scripture about how women were suppose to be "submissive."
Toward the end, he was more interested in strip clubs, drinking with his friends and going to the gym than spending time with me, so the relationship ended. We went our separate ways, keeping in touch about once a year.
Now in his mid-'40s, he told me that he's in "a different place now and is ready to settle down."
Are you? he asked.
Why me?
He told me that though he has dated a lot of women over the years, none were as "wifey" and motherly" as me.
I guess I should be flattered that someone feels that I am good "wife and mother" material. On the surface he is still a good catch: great job in the medical profession, never married, still doesn't have any children.
But I don't know if this person has really changed or if he's just running game.
I guess men do get to a point where they stop playing around and want to settle down and have a family. Some eventually have a family, but never stop playing. They never really settle down.
I don't know. I'm not feeling him - right now.
But at this age, I can't be choosy. Right?
(I can hear the men now: That's why so many Black women are single, they are so damn choosy !)
Shouldn't I just be happy that someone is interested in making a lifetime commitment with me? Maybe he HAS changed. Maybe he IS in a different place now, more mature maybe.
On one hand, I do want to settle down, have a family, be happy.
On the other hand, I don't want to choose someone out of loneliness or desperation (or because my dad is breathing down my back).
What do you think?
7 comments:
um, no. run fast, run far. you ARE a great catch. if i were a man, i'd want to marry you. but people only change if something makes them (and sometimes not even then). what would have made him decide he's too disrespectful, too dishonest, too irresponsible? absolutely nothing. his behind ain't still single 'cause HE was being choosey; he's still alone because he (say it with me) HASN'T CHANGED A BIT since you dated him all those years ago. all that's changed is he's older, and now he's looking around, seeing he's by himself and many of his running buddies may no longer be out there running with him. so he scrolled through the list of past lovers--and who knows? maybe texted the same mess to some of them.
as for the making you feel inadequate, not good enough, that's emotional abuse. worse, in my opinion, on a lot of levels than physical abuse. and sometimes--many times--the two go hand in hand. y'all just may not have dated long enough for it to escalate. thank God.
he's a creep. worse: an AGING creep. his list of available women has dwindled as he's aged, and the young things out there are hip to his nonsense. i repeat: run fast, run far.
Girl don't settle, but at the same time I believe most men DO change, especially at his age. They want to get married and have children too. It's just not always when we do. And I think it's kind of good that he thinks of you in that way and knew that at the time you two were dating but he just wasn't ready.
Ditto what anonymous 7:47 a.m. said. PLEASE stay "choosy." You know I just got married a little bit ago so I am not that far away from the "maybe I'm being too 'choosy'" conversation, myself. But believe me, now that I am married I know that none of the brothers I might have "settled" for would have been right for me. Just stay smart, beautiful, wonderful you and Mr. Just Right For You will come. Believe it.
Hey Lottie,
Interesting thoughts here. I'm bothered by the advice of those telling you to run. Eight years is a long time. I say roll with it, go out and have a couple of dates to see if the chemistry is still there first. If it isn't, then you know you will just be friends and it won't really matter if he's changed or not.
I'm with Anonymous 6:40 a.m....8 years is a long time...and life happens to people and changes them (for the good and the bad)..it ain't gonna kill you to have a few dates with the brother and see where his head really is....and it might be fun..I've recently started dating a guy I dated 17 years ago (in college!) and it is going Fan-freaking-tastic....we are totally different in some ways and totally the same in others...but we seem to be really on the same page about what we both want now...stay choosey, keep your standards, but don't discount a brother for the mistakes of his youth...we made some suspect choices early in life...now if he makes those same mistakes in his 40s, press on, my sister, press on...your match is out there for you.
You do have the right to be choosey at ANY age. You want what's BEST for you. So, old boy is sniffing around again. I say throw him a bone and go out on a date with him just to see if he's REALLY changed. Keep him as an option in your dating pool. Time will tell if he's really true to his word or just LONELY. Men get lonely, too.
People are always trying to reassure folks that a soul mate/perfect match is out there. I hate to burst any bubbles but I do not believe that is true for all. Yes, I have seen some perfect matches, but I do not think that is the norm when it comes to marriage. Some of us will never marry. Not because we did not have the opportunity, but because we were waiting on a soul mate. If marriage is important to you, if having children within in wedlock is important to you…find someone that you can work with and put a 100% into it. Find someone who is saved, honest, caring, financial stable and opening to marrying you. I do not think the 30s is the time to be picky unless you are willing to forgo children.
I now view people that are single in their 30s as single by choice. We spend so much time complaining about the men that we met and dated yet frankly, there have been some winners in there. However, for some reason we were not moved or inspired enough to work for those relationships. Maybe we placed too much emphasis on soul mate and not enough on whether or not he would make a good partner, father and provided. By searching for a soul mate are we sacrificing children and true championship?
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