Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wife Ready

I know a lot of beautiful single ladies who are ready to get married.
But I have to ask myself, "Am I wife ready?"

After the beautiful wedding ceremony and romantic honeymoon, am I ready to
do the "hard work"?

I was talking with a few friends last night about this subject and
one said, "You should ask yourself will you marry you?"


Will I marry me?

That's a good question. I mean, I think I'm a good catch.
But I have to think about things that make a good marriage.
I don't know. I've never been married. And as single ladies we always
talk about "what we wouldn't put up with."

But peel away the superficial stuff and I have to ask, "What
does a man look for in a wife?" Most men I know want someone attractive,
good in bed and intellectually stimulating. But is this person wife material?

What makes a good wife?
Am I good housekeeper? Will I provide a loving home environment?
Can I cook a meal that will make my husband proud?
Am I too set in my ways to share or compromise?
Would I have to give up some of my independence? Would I trust
the person enough to take care of our family and resources?
Would I be supportive through the rough times?
Would I "submit" to him? (that's my next post)

I understand that you can't be selfish in a marriage. It's
a lot of giving (and sometimes the woman ends up giving up more).

So take a look at your life:
Would you marry you?

Maybe I'm not wife material after all. Are you?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Marriage and Money

In a recent interview on the website Hello Beautiful, actress Lisa Raye sounded off about how she didn't know the financial details of her marriage and is now left financially devastated.

As you may recall, Raye married Michael Misick, the Premier of Turks and Caicos in 2006. There were more than 300 guests at the lavish ceremony including celebrities and dignitaries from around the world. Raye looked so happy. She was a First Lady to the Premier.

Fast forward two years and the couple are now in a bitter divorce. Raye has said that during their marriage, she was "clueless about their money situation" and that she "had to rely on what he would tell me." He told her they were rich.

But during a recent trial concerning Misick's legal troubles, Raye learned about loans, bank statements and money funneled through accounts that she was on, but didn't know her husband was using. Huh?

Raye said that she and her husband signed prenuptial agreements in the United States before they got married, but she recently learned that he knew that the agreements were not binding in Turks and Caicos. She now feels bamboozled. hoodwinked. duped. "used."

She asked her soon-to-be-ex, "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you leaving me financially devastated where I can't take care of my family? This isn't fair."

No, it's not fair. But this bothers me.

How much is this her fault? I know when you get married, you're in love and you hope that you're marrying someone you could trust. I'm sure she trusted her husband to take care of her and their family. And I'm sure he did. She seemed to be living a nice lifestyle with a lot of perks as First Lady. But when things got rough and they were no longer together, she was left with nothing. She had given up her career and her lifestyle in California to live on an island with a man she knew nothing about.

I remember in the movie Waiting to Exhale, Angela Bassett had no idea how much money her husband was worth. He had homes in different states and money all over the world. Like Raye, she relied on what he told her and was content because they were living a comfortable lifestyle. But she ended up getting a nice settlement after his wealth was uncovered.

What do you think?
Do you think Raye should have known that her prenup wasn't binding in Turks and Caicos? Do you think she should have investigated her husband's financial situation before they got married? How would she have found out? Do you think she should have kept a separate account so she would not be in the financial state she's in today? Do you think she should have given up her career to be the First Lady? Lots of women give up their career to take care of their family and the man is the sole breadwinner.

What about you?
Would you investigate your future husband's financial situation before marrying him? Who would be responsible for the financial dealings of the marriage? Would you have a joint account? What about a separate account? Does a prenup mean you don't trust your spouse or you don't believe that your marriage will last?

oh, it all sounds so complicated.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Regrets anyone?

Over the past month, I've run into a few of my
ex-boyfriends. One I saw at the Improv with his
new love; I came across another during a Happy Hour
at a local lounge; and I literally bumped into an old college
flame while leaving the Inauguration ceremony.

Coincidence or fate? I mean what would be the likelihood of me
seeing someone I had not seen in 20 years? okay 15.
He's now a college English professor at a university outside
of Chicago.

But all these run-ins got me to thinking - why didn't these
relationships work? These are perfectly nice guys. What if
I was a little more patient, a little more compromising; a little
more forgiving. Maybe I shouldn't have been so judgmental, a little
bit more flexible or a lot more understanding.

None of these guys were physically abusive or womanizers. They all
met the standards of my "Love List" (see previous post).
Sure, they may have had their little idiosyncrasies, but no one is perfect.
I'm sure not.

Sometimes we hold out for something that's not there. And where does that get us? Old and alone.

Think about it. What if you had married your high school or
college sweetheart? What would your life be like now? Or what if you
had stayed with the nice guy you blew off?

Regrets anyone?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Winter Blues

I hate the winter. Okay, hate is a pretty strong word. But I really, truly dislike cold weather. I mean you have to layer up - buy hats and gloves, turtlenecks and sweaters, boots and long underwear. Some people love the winter - the snow and well, I really don't know what else. But I can live without it.

I have always said, if I was rich I would buy a condo in a warm place - Miami, Phoenix or maybe a Caribbean island - and live there from Nov. 4 (my birthday) until May. I want to live in a place where I can wear sundresses and sandals year round; a place where I don't have to worry about layers, but where I can wear as little clothes as possible without being indecent. free.

But just like the seasons, life isn't all about sundresses and sandals; even the sunniest places get a little rain. Sometimes we have to layer up.

There's something winter about my life right now. It's cold. I mean, I am grateful for my family and friends; the fact that I am still employed in this economy and I thank God for my health and my strength. But something's missing.

I need another layer.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Love List

I met a guy this weekend. Superbowl Sunday. He was attractive. We sat next to each other and talked throughout the game about life and sports. Good conversation. He seemed nice enough. He told me that he was a computer geek who worked for the State Department. okay. He just bought a house in Mitchellville, Md. okay. He was going through a divorce. uh-oh. It would be final in May. hmmm. He had two kids, ages 11 and 8. hmmm. They were not with his wife, who he had been married to for four years. hmmm. He asked where I lived. I told him in D.C. He told me he would be coming to visit me next week. Really?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won. And the party was beginning to turn into a real partay. The chairs were moved and the music was pumping loudly from a speaker. I went to the restroom and when I returned, the cool guy I was talking to all evening was exchanging information with a young lady in the hallway. I said my goodbyes to the host and went home.

Sure, this could have been an opportunity to meet a guy if I was more aggressive. The fact is, he was "not that into me." Though we had talked for most of the evening, he did not ask for my number or email. I believe if a man is interested in you, he would find a way to contact you.

But Mr. Nice Guy, also did not meet my "Love List" qualifications. My list is simple.
I want a man who is:
1) College Educated
2) Has a professional job (or financially stable, good credit-hello?)
3) Never Married
4) No Kids
5) Owns his own home
6) Has reliable transportation
7) Has a clean record (no former felons)

Simple right? Oh, I also want someone who is honest, trustworthy, dependable, responsible, ambitious, spiritual, caring, giving, knowledgeable about social and political issues, culturally aware and a good conversationalist. He has to have a sense of humor. And it would be great to meet someone who likes comedy, music, plays, museums, traveling and dancing. I really want someone who believes in monogamy and the sacredness of marriage.

Mr. Superbowl met at least two out of my 6 qualifications (I don't know if he went to college or not). I'm sure if I had stuck around, maybe we would have exchanged information. maybe.

But I don't want to be a stepmother or a second (or third) wife. Should I waste my time with someone if they're not marriage material? Should I date just to date?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I've dated plenty of guys with kids and former wives. Nice men. And more than likely, I will date plenty more if I don't want to be home alone every weekend. But new relationships are challenging and they are even more difficult when children and ex-spouses are thrown into the mix. What if I begin to really like the guy and end up in a situation that I really don't want to be in?

As I get closer to 40, my friends remind me that it will be difficult to find a man who has never been married or who doesn't have at least one child.

But I believe that God gives you your heart's desires. My man's out there. I know it.

What are your thoughts? Am I being unrealistic? unreasonable? superficial?